I Wish I Could Talk to My Dad
My best friend lost his Dad yesterday. Understandably he's extremely upset, and I feel awful for him. I never know what to do in these situations - "how are you doing?" just feels such a stupid thing to say. Like it's nowhere near enough. Of course he isn't doing well, you fucking idiot!
His loss has brought about feelings of loss following the death of my own Dad. Who we lost back in 2008 to cancer, when he was 47. Watching him just wither away was heartbreaking. Especially at the age of 23.
Now, nearly 20 years on, I rarely get upset about the loss. I still think about him all the time, but seeing what my friend has been going through has jumped it right to the front of my mind. Especially since the loss of my sister is still so raw.
I had a dream about my dad last night, the first I've had in a while. The dream was nothing special, I don't even fully remember what happened in it. But what I do vividly remember was that his voice wasn't right. And then I realised, I don't remember what my Dad's voice sounded like.
I have no videos of him, and no recordings on his voice. For a year or so after he died, I used to call his phone as it would go straight to voicemail and I'd get to hear his voice. Eventually the line was cut though. I wish I'd recorded it, just to have something.
I don't even have many photos of him. Most of them are from when I was a baby. I only have 1 photo of him and I as adults, which was taken on the day I passed out of basic training in the Army.
LTR: My dad, me, my dad's dad.
Just one conversation
Not being able to remember his voice isn't the only reason I'd love to talk to him again. He was funny, and always made me belly laugh. He loved to sing too - and was bloody good at it!
I'm also a very different person now than I was in 2008. I'd like for him to meet his grandsons, and I'd like to know what he thinks of the man I've turned into. He only met my (now) wife once or twice - he'd have loved her, and she'd have loved him.
All very narcissistic, I know. Be he was my dad!
Conversely, I'd love to know what kind of an old man he turned into. Would he still be as funny? Or would have turned into a grumpy old curmudgeon? Would we still go for a couple beers every Friday? Would he come here for barbecues in the summer? I'd have loved that.
There's no real point to this post, really. These thoughts have just been spinning around my grey matter for the last few days, and I wanted to work through them, which I think I've done a pretty poor job of.
So yeah, losing a loved one is shit. It never leaves you, and I feel horrendously sorry for my mate.
I'll try and make the next one more positive...